


Secrets Again

by Lessa



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Dragonlord Merlin, Gen, Light Angst, Oneshot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-28
Updated: 2018-09-28
Packaged: 2019-07-18 17:06:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16122977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lessa/pseuds/Lessa
Summary: Seriously, Gaius knows Everyone's secrets. Keeping magic secret from witches and warlocks has never worked out well for Camelot at all, did he not think that maybe Merlin might not get executed and could outlive his dad?





	Secrets Again

Merlin sat brooding as he had been for the past few evenings.  Tonight he finally felt ready to speak to Gaius again.

He waited quietly for his mentor’s return, unable to still the tapping of his fingers as he did so.

It was late when the physician got in after a late night with a patient, his old bones grinding loudly in the cold, he sighed seeing Merlin there, partly in relief and partly regret of the timing. He couldn’t help but wonder if the boy had deliberately waited until his defences were low, but chastised himself for thinking him so devious, wincing at what that meant for his own soul. What was left of it anyway. Nodding towards Merlin in understanding he took his usual seat after putting his medicine bag in its place, and granted him his full attention. 

Merlin met the eyes of his mentor and searched them before saying anything. 

“How do you bear it? The weight of guilt. The lies and secrets. You made too many promises Gaius.” He paused, trying to articulate himself without losing his calm, “You should have told me a long time ago, it might have saved us all so much pain. You promised my Mother not to tell me of Balinor, yet also to protect me, knowing that only one could ever be kept. Everyone dies Gaius, did you honestly think he never would and I’d never need to know who my father was?  _ What I am?  _ You were just going to let me suffer this without any warning when he died, weren’t you! You would never have told me without us having to find my father! _ ”   _ His mentor was still, just listening to the boy’s distress.

“You told me I was  _ human _ , but you lied didn’t you? A warlock may have magic but he’s just as human as you or...well you. Dragonlords aren’t just normal men with another voice are they, and you  _ knew _ . Does my mother even know?”

Gaius held his ward’s gaze steadily for a minute before answering him, “No. She doesn’t. It would not have helped either of you, and she would not have loved you any less, only worried more. Would you want me to tell her?”

Merlin’s eyes fell shut as his fury ebbed, overtaken by a deep sadness. “No, no I wouldn’t. You’re right about her worrying more. I don’t know what to do anymore. It feels like my humanity is slipping away piece by piece, a little further every time there is something _more_. The power of life and death was bad enough, now this...” He ran a hand through his hair and sighed, “How could you not tell me about soul bonds. I can feel it there, all the time, pulsing, I could _feel_ Kilgarrah’s sadness and rage, and _pain_ Gaius. For a moment I honestly understood his need for vengeance, _wanted it_ for him . The bond was there before though, wasn’t it, just _waiting_ to be activated by the power I’d..I _have_ inherited. Kilgarrah called us kin. He knew, didn’t he, I thought he meant we were both magical; he never meant ‘creatures of the old religion’ as _only_ warlock and dragon, did he. He meant soul-brothers, dragon and dragonlord, bound by _old_ _magic_. Is that why I could hear him Gaius? Is that the only reason I ever _listened_ to him? What if all he ever spoke to me was lies...destiny, futures, prophecies…I never even considered that others might not have spoken to him, never doubted that he was a _person_.”

As the energy seemed to fade from Merlin, leaving behind a much more vulnerable looking youth than a powerful warlock and dragonlord Gaius regarded him intently. 

“Search within yourself and you will know that is not true my boy. Kilgarrah may have tricked you before, may have used your naivety against you, but he has never and can never outright _ lie  _ to you. He cannot lie to a dragonlord. You may not have been able to before but you can certainly test and measure his truthfulness accurately now. The prophecies are real though Merlin. I dare not try to interpret them, and I dare not share them with you for fear of changing the outcome or influencing forces I do not and cannot understand. The legends are old, they were not of the great dragon’s connivance or his making. Soul bonds are complicated Merlin, and the lore and learning of the dragonlords was not shared outside of their ranks, kept with those who could understand. For all I might have told you such a thing exists, I could never have explained them adequately to you, only another who shares a soul or is linked could have done so. I would have told you my boy, if it wouldn’t have placed you in even more danger.”   
Merlin was silent for so long that Gaius wondered if he would say anything more.

“No you wouldn’t. Just like you decided it was too dangerous for Morgana. I’d have had no idea what was happening to me either.” Gaius didn’t try to hide the sweeping sense of guilt, seeing too much, far too late.

“It’s not just Kilgarrah Gaius. Now that I’m aware I can sense them, I can  _ feel _ things I couldn’t before. He’s not the only bond. What happens to someone when there are too many claims on their soul? What remains of the original man… Do we continue or get torn apart, and if those linked are in conflict, what then..I don’t want this Gaius, I never wanted this.” 

The old man once though his heart had been shattered as much as it ever could be, he knew now how wrong he had been and felt it break a little further for the young man he loved as a son.

“I do not know, my boy, I have never come across such a thing, but I would guess that it depends on the man himself, and the strength of his own soul. There are none stronger than you Merlin. You are unique, and not because of your many gifts, but because of  _ who _ you are, your spirit and nature. You may not have wanted this destiny, or this power, but perhaps that is why you are the only one deemed fit to carry it. Many destinies are tied to your own, you are a lynchpin in this world, though far from the only one. Fate may be fixed but the roads we take to get there are not. You are connected to the fabric of the world, and to magic itself as no other has been, perhaps these ties you sense are choices or destinies, and different roads rather than necessarily fixed claims on you.”

Merlin nodded absently but didn’t look as though he truly believed the old man, however much he may want to. He was forced to admit that his trust in his uncle had been severely damaged lately, first his actions that resulted in Freya’s death, now the revelations of the past few days. He wasn’t sure if he could ever recover the same faith he’d had before, and almost understood how Morgana had felt about them, about  _ everyone _ .

Even those who had not lied to her had held back vital truths about herself, true she ought to have realised so many things long before she did, and her betrayals had wounded him almost as badly as Gaius’, but right now he could forgive her all of it as he felt his magic churning and roiling inside him. He had to get out, had to find a release,  _ any  _ release. He pushed back the chair and strode from the room, trying not to run, he took no cloak, it would have slowed him down and his skin felt as though it was burning, he needed no extra warmth! 

He made it just barely past the treeline, leaking magic so badly as he went that he didn’t even need to consciously distract the guards. With a resounding crack of thunder the heavens opened and rain poured down, drowning out the screams of Emrys as those with magic felt an overwhelming sense of grief and unknowingly wept with him. As the pent up magic exploded from him the trees in the grove bent around to shield him. Not human. Not. Fully. Human. 

Magic, magic itself, magic  _ incarnate,  _  soul brothers, protector,  _ Emrys.  _ What did that make him? Hero or villain, servant or Lord, friend or enemy? His treacherous mind whispered  _ monster _ and he again saw the terror he had unwillingly unleashed. He was bound to so many things, the magic of the world pulled at him more now than ever before and he was so, so tempted to let go, let himself drift, until he realised that he didn’t know how to return if he truly let his consciousness wander. He should probably find out, before he was trapped in a crystal or something. After an hour or so the rain eased to only a miserable drizzle, and if he’d been in any better a state Merlin would have headed back rather than risk exposure. He doubted the prince would take that well under current circumstances. Instead he listened to the wind and the whispers of dryads coaxing him to rest and closed his eyes allowing sleep to take him.

He woke to find that a blanket had obligingly formed from leaves and a thick circle of brambles had formed protectively around him, groaning he stumbled to his feet. As well meant as it was, the forest being so accommodating was not something he wanted to get caught for.  The pre- dawn chill felt wrong and he couldn’t identify why, although right now almost everything felt  _ wrong.  _ He had a long walk back and not much time before work started.

Another day of wearing the mask, and he could feel it cracking already. It amazed him that no-one ever seemed to realise. Perhaps they were afraid to ask for fear of what they’d find. Gwen’s father had been executed after all, merely for trading with sorcerers, and Arthur was sometimes willfully blind.

The magic was still boiling and frothing inside him, and twice on the way back he had to stop to expel some, perhaps helping with rebuilding would give it an outlet, protective magic couldn’t exactly hurt them. Merlin revised this opinion when his first attempt suffused the wall with too much power and the stones melted into one another. Fuck. Hopefully they’d blame it on dragon flame. He sprinted to his chambers without pausing after that. There had to be some kind of information in those books to help him deal with excess magic, his other resource was no longer available, and he didn’t trust his emotions well enough right now to risk summoning him-  _ or Kilgarrah’s. _

The books were useless, and his room absolutely destroyed by the time night finally fell, all of his chores having done themselves with magic simply to keep the castle standing. 

Darkness found him lying again on the ground in woods, fingers dug into the soil as waves of power pulses into the ground. He finally stopped when it felt less like he’d explode, and he saw the forest had grown several feet higher. He sense her approach before he heard it, but it wasn’t until he turned around that he saw the druid woman coming towards him silently. She lowered herself gracefully to the ground next to him and reached out towards him, resting a slim hand on his shoulder. “You did the right thing Merlin. I know it’s not what you want to hear right now, but letting him live freely, was needed. I- we felt the disturbance of your magic, I followed your magic here. If I offer to show you a way to protect the city walls without exploding or melting the stone, would you allow me? It’s… I don’t have your power, but I was always gifted with runes. I thought that perhaps a net might be possible over the city, with anchor points. When the magic is too much it would be a use for the excess and maybe be less distressing. Plus, if the trees continue to grow at this rate I fear we shall all be discovered My Lord.”

Merlin smiled sadly at the girl, she seemed sweet, like his Freya had been, “I am no Lord, just a fool. Show me your skills and I can provide the power.”

“I know who you are Merlin. The point is  _ do you? _ ” Merlin shifted uncomfortably and avoided her gaze, drawing a sigh from her. 

“Right. Let’s get on with doing this then. I hope, one day soon you’ll understand and accept the answer to that question Merlin. You lose nothing of your identity by learning more and growing you know, or do you think a farm-boy cannot also become a knight, or a physician, or a loyal servant? It is a rare gift that someone can bring hope with them. Don’t despise that.” 

She took out two small bowls, ink, and something akin to parchment that she drew several complex runes on so that he could take a copy of the designs with him.

It was a long night, with many explanations, but by morning Merlin felt more centered than he had for a long time, and relieved that there was something he could do to ward and protect his home. He would work the spells into the very foundations of Camelot, and in the rebuilding, and he would not ignore the lower town as the king always chose to do. He watched Arthur fight daily against who and what he was, puzzled when he could see what pain it caused his friend, and he realised now that he had been doing exactly the same, since long before he walked through the city gates. It was time to stop. If Arthur could be Arthur,  _ and _ the crown prince of Camelot, then  _ he _ could be Merlin, and still become Emrys. 


End file.
